Time to wake up

Well, things are good. And kinda confusing. And sometimes sad, bad, or hard. Lotsa waiting. But overall, I feel like I am getting a grip on perspective in my life, learning to ride the ebbs and flows of my emotions, instead of just trying to keep my head above water. Some days feel like drowning, some feel like floating, or even better, flying. I have learned so much about myself, had so much stuff zinging at me in big chunks, and I have been sitting with it, getting the new lay of the land. It's good. And scary.

I think one of the biggest things is that I'm getting an idea of who I am, where the me starts & ends, and how much of me is chemically affected by whatever I introduce into my body. Yes, pun intended too. I am definitely chemically imbalanced, but I now at least have started to identify where the chemical interacts with the rest of my soul. I have never known where that was before, and it's extremely reassuring to be able to see that there are things that can be done to get some light into the dark corners. This knowledge has also done wonders for my ability to give myself a break. When all I had was sheer willpower and self-flagellation as motivators, it was rough. I don't know how I did it.

I've felt very stagnant, kinda stuck, for a couple of months, but now that I'm starting to poke around at how I am, where I am, what I think, what are my priorities, etc., I find that I was napping & digesting. I have apparently been getting somewhere, despite my lethargic appearance. One more signal that I can cut myself some slack and it might actually get me ahead of where I thought it would.

And it all comes back to that, doesn't it? The thinking getting in the way of being.